Instead, I Give You This

Today I sat down to write a blog post that’s been in my head for a couple of weeks. I had my journal of ideas in front of me and a few sticky notes that I jotted down in the middle of the night, as well as an image I wanted to include. Despite all this prep work, the words wouldn’t come. I couldn’t figure out how to start, and my screen stayed blank.

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I tried different angles, but each one felt false. I brainstormed personal anecdotes to use as springboards, but everything fell flat. Finally, I decided I needed a couple of specific, current, relevant examples of my topic, so I started searching for them online. After thirty minutes, I came to this conclusion: they’re not there. This idea for a blog post, which seemed so poignant when I came up with it, simply isn’t true. Huh.

So I’m giving up on it.

It’s hard, sometimes, to let go of something you thought was promising and admit that the minutes or hours spent on it (or days or weeks in some cases, thankfully not this one) were wasted. But there’s merit in recognizing when a piece just doesn’t have what it takes, and this time, that is the case. I will spare you a pointless post. You can thank me later.

So, instead, I give you this.

WD

In every issue of Writer’s Digest (which I subscribe to and you should too) there is a “Your Story” competition. Sometimes they provide a photo, and you have to write the first sentence of a story to accompany it. Sometimes they provide the first sentence or the topic, and you have to write the story. You submit your entries online, they choose the finalists, and then people vote on the winning entry, which then gets published in the magazine. It’s all good fun.

Your Story #56 challenged writers to write a story of 750 words or fewer beginning with this sentence:

“If you can guess what I have in my pocket, you can have it.”

I decided to enter. My story was not chosen as a finalist, but I had fun writing it, so I’m going to share it with you here anyway. If you would like to read the five stories chosen as finalists, there is still time to vote on your favorite. Just click here and then click on the link to the forum. You do have to register to vote.

My Story for Your Story #56:  A Friendly Game

“If you can guess what I have in my pocket, you can have it.”

I groaned. Rickie and his games. Every time he came over, it was, Will you eat what’s in my hand? Or If you can guess what number I’m thinking of, I’ll tell you a secret. A glutton for punishment, I usually played along. In the eating game, the rule was you had to say yes and promise to eat it before you saw what it was. If you said no, it remained a mystery forever. I’d said yes four times, allowing my palate the delicacies of a green M&M, a slice of grapefruit, a homemade peanut butter cookie so fresh it must have been burning his hand, and a cricket. I hadn’t said yes since the cricket.

Usually, Rickie made his offers the moment he arrived. It was, “Hey Amber-dextrous, want to play a game? before he was even inside the door. Then, after the secret had been confessed or the palm candy eaten, we sank onto my stuffing-less couch to hang out.

But today Rickie had already been on my couch for three hours when he propositioned me. We were halfway through Teen Wolf Too, having already suffered Grease 2. It was a weekend of disappointing eighties sequels. I looked at him. He stared at the TV, popping Junior Mints into his mouth one at a time. I stole a glance at the pockets of his jeans but they revealed nothing.

“How many guesses do I get?”

He considered. “Three. If you look me in the eye and tell me this movie is better than the original, you get one more.” He turned to me, one eyebrow raised in a challenge.

“Psht,” I spat. “I’ll stick to three.”

“Ready when you are, Amber-gris.”

I held out my hand for a Junior Mint, and Rickie supplied one. While I sucked the thin layer of chocolate off the sugary mint paste, I deliberated. “A key.”

“Why a key?”

I shrugged. “You like keys. You have that jar full of old dorm room keys and car keys and apartment keys that you never threw away.” He nodded, not a yes to the guess, just an acknowledgement that I knew him well. “Besides, maybe it’s the key to a Lamborghini or my dream house or your heart,” I said, and immediately wished I hadn’t.

Rickie’s cheeks turned pink. He looked back at the TV. “It’s not a key, Amber-vilant.”

Stupid, I chastised myself. Rickie and I were friends—just friends—and it was perfect. But I knew he’d be willing to change that. I’d tried to make it clear that I didn’t want anything more from our relationship, yet time and again I slipped up and said flirty things in front of him.

Embarrassed, I crossed my arms and rushed my next guess. “A pen.”

“A pen? Why?”

“I don’t know, I like pens.” I shrugged and scooted away an inch, making it look like I was just shifting for comfort.

“Well, it’s not a pen,” he said. His tone suggested I wasn’t even trying. “One more guess, unless you’d like to rethink your opinion of Teen Wolf Too.” He offered me another Junior Mint, and I took it without letting our fingers touch.

What is it? I wondered, sucking at the chocolate. I thought back to movies we’d watched, conversations we’d had. Rickie had told me how much he used to love candy cigarettes, so maybe—wait! I had it! A ring pop! I’d gone on and on to him recently about how they were my favorite as a kid, how much I’d loved seeing the giant purple “jewel” on my hand, how I’d watch its shape change as I licked, how I was always a little disappointed when it was gone and I was left with a purple tongue and nothing but plastic on my finger.

“I’ve got it!” I said, all previous awkwardness forgotten with the anticipation of victory. “It’s a ring—” At that moment, the Junior Mint I’d been sucking on lodged in the back of my throat. I put a hand to my chest, gasping for breath, tears flooding my eyes, unable to speak as Rickie’s face lit up and he lowered himself to the floor on one knee and reached into his pocket.

“Yes, Amber-osia, you’re right!” His smile stretched the length of his hopes as he pulled the diamond ring out of his pocket. “Will you marry me?”

ring_pop

Brain on Lockdown: Why Standardized Testing Is As Hard On Teachers As It Is On Students

A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I was monitoring a standardized test in my old classroom. The test was TAKS (because my subconscious had forgotten that we’ve moved on to STAAR) and I was being chastised for doing something wrong (I don’t remember what, probably opening a book or staring out the window for eight seconds rather than “actively monitoring” the students). Whatever it was, it was a big problem, and dealing with the person who was berating me was starting to be a giant pain in the butt.

That’s when I remembered that I quit teaching a couple of years ago. I wondered why I was back in my classroom. Did I decide to go back to my old job? Was I just subbing? I racked my brain, trying to find a loophole that would get me out of this situation, but so far nothing was working. Then it came to me.

“I can’t administer this test,” I said to the woman who was still badgering me about the mysterious crime I had committed. “I didn’t go through the training!” That did it. She stopped talking, my heart swelled with victory, and I woke up from my nightmare.

Cartoon Crazy
Image of crazy person tearing her hair out found here.

Because, as anybody who’s anybody knows, you can’t be trusted to administer a standardized test (no matter how many times over how many years you’ve done it) without going through at least one, usually two, sometimes (if you’re lucky and get chosen for a field test) THREE trainings a year on how to do it. The training consists of a power point presentation that tells you not do things such as give a student an answer, hint at an answer, or “act out” an answer. Yes, really.

(Note: If I had a blood pressure machine in my house right now, I could prove to you that, even twenty months after quitting teaching, the very thought of standardized testing still has a profound physical effect on me.)

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I found this cartoon here.

There’s a lot of truth to that nightmare I had. Testing is a stressful experience, and not just for the students. Teachers are under a lot of scrutiny during standardized tests, and we’re being scrutinized for really ridiculous things. One year an auditor from either the state or the district (I’m not sure which) came into my room during the test with her official clipboard. She looked around to make sure all educational materials and posters had been taken down or covered up, wiggled the mouse on my computer to make sure it was off, and perused the testing documents on the table at the front of the room. She peered at the state-mandated seating chart and then crooked her finger for me to come over there. I did. She then indicated, with gestures and whispers, that I had neglected to mark where the door to the classroom was on the seating chart. I picked up my pencil and wrote the word “door” in the proper location. She nodded and left.

(Note: The year of the first TAKS Writing test, I actually broke out in the only case of hives I’ve ever had in my life.)

Then there was the time, during my second-to-last year of teaching, when I was unlocking the cabinet after the lunch break to retrieve the tests to hand them back to the students (because they must be under lock and key during breaks), and I managed to break my key off in the lock. I stood there with my back to the students contemplating the paths my life had taken to lead me to this point when I heard a girl’s voice say, “Ms. Juettner, did you just break your key?” Um… And then a boy’s voice say, louder, “Oh my god, are our tests stuck in there?!” UM… Thankfully, a counselor was sent to the rescue (because he had a screwdriver, not because I needed to be counseled, though some therapy later probably would have been a good idea) and soon we were back to our silent and serious testing atmosphere. But it was touch and go for a few minutes there.

(Note: Our school’s system for teacher restroom breaks during testing involved clipping a little red sign to the outside of your door when you needed to be relieved (in order to relieve yourself) and then waiting for a relief person to show up. Sometimes the relief person was already relieving someone else. Sometimes they didn’t see the sign. Sometimes they were reading the newspaper and forgot that teachers’ bladders were about to explode. There is an art to determining when it is exactly fifteen minutes until you are going to have to pee, and I never mastered it.)

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Beyond the monotony of the trainings, beyond the stress of following all the rules, beyond the various physical ailments that it causes in otherwise healthy individuals, the absolute WORST thing about standardized testing is the mind-numbing boredom of “actively monitoring” students for five hours a day, up to four days in a row. No grading. No computing. No reading. No writing. No talking. No napping. No making any noise. No telling how long until your next bathroom break. MIND. NUMBING.

One year, a few minutes before testing began, we were all standing in the hallway outside our classrooms, soaking up our last precious moments of freedom, when my friend Julie walked up and said, “Anybody got any problems you need worked out? Any relationship issues? Financial woes? Decisions about what to do with your life?” We all stared at her. She said, “I need something for my brain to work on while I’m in there. Come on, give me a problem to solve!”

I couldn’t supply Julie with a good life problem that day because the biggest thing on my mind at the moment was the same thing. What the heck am I going to do with my brain for the next five hours?

A few days after my recent nightmare, I came across the Love, Teach blog, which I’m now following (and you should too). The first post I saw was “16 Things You Can Do While Actively Monitoring Standardized Testing (Or The Next Time You’re Crazy Bored)” and, let me tell you, she has some GREAT suggestions. You should check them out. Then I’ll round out the list with my four favorite things, making it an even twenty.

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I found this cool image here.

17. Gamble

Place bets with yourself about which row of students will finish the test first or turn the seating chart into a big bingo board and see how long it takes to get BINGO.

18. Play Matching Games

Since students aren’t allowed to keep anything at their desks during testing, they have to place all of their lunches and silent reading books at the front of the room. My favorite game was trying to match the students to their books and lunches. Since some of them brought multiple books, it was a real challenge.

19. Practice Your Math

If there are twenty-six students in the room, and nine of the students are wearing blue, what percentage of students is wearing blue? (Yes, monitoring standardized testing is so mind-numbing that my brain sometimes CHOSE to do math!)

20. Write Poetry

Technically speaking, you are not allowed to write while monitoring. But the rules do not specifically state that you are not allowed to carry a piece of paper and a pen in your pocket with which to scribble lines of poetry during restroom breaks. I wrote a few poems during my TAAS and TAKS and STAAR monitoring days. Unfortunately, most of them were about monitoring standardized tests. (The whole experience really saps your creativity.) See exhibit A below:

Brain on Lockdown Poem

As we head into yet another testing season, my heart goes out to all of my friends still in the classroom. I wish you interesting internal imaginings, great epiphanies, and absolutely NO highlighter marks on the answer documents. Good luck to you.

 

[To read more stories from my teaching career, check out my Teaching Stories page.]

Goodreads Before Goodreads

I don’t mean to make a stink here, but Goodreads really owes me quite a bit of money. You see, I had the prototype for their entire platform back in 1999, long before Otis and Elizabeth Chandler launched their website. Yep. It was called My Book Journal.

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My Book Journal is an offline system for tracking reading progress and maintaining literary lists. It comes in hardback (can you say the same, Goodreads? I don’t think so) and fits neatly on a shelf or in a medium-sized purse. It’s been in operation for fifteen years now and has never once crashed.

My Book Journal’s features include:

  • Organized lists of the books I read each year
  • Titles marked as “to read” in the future
  • A page for collecting favorite quotes
  • Convenient bookmarks
  • “Links” to lists and articles about authors
  • Very personalized privacy settings
  • Easily portable
  • Classy cover

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

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I’m not going to make a big deal over this dispute. I’ve decided to be the bigger person and take the high road, because I do admire that little Goodreads website and I have to admit that their rating system is easier to use than mine and, what’s more, they have pictures (which is cool and also kind of cheating). But I just wanted it to be known: Goodreads started here.

Here are some of the quotes that I’ve “favorited” over the years, i.e. written into My Book Journal with my own hand, rather than clicking a simple button. Yes, this system takes more time, requires a little elbow grease, but it’s that very dedication to record-keeping which makes My Book Journal so special. If you’re not willing painfully print a passage on the page with your tendonitis-afflicted fingers (while walking uphill in the snow, etc) then perhaps you don’t really “like” that quotation so much after all, now do you? Kids today have it so easy…

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“The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.” – Douglas Adams, from The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“The fire balloon still drifts and burns in the night sky of an as yet unburied summer. Why and how? Because I say it is so.” – Ray Bradbury, from “Just This Side of Byzantium”, the introduction to Dandelion Wine

“The warnings grew worse, depending on the danger at hand. Sex education, for example, consisted of the following advice: ‘Don’t ever let boy kiss you. You do, you can’t stop. Then you have baby. You put baby in garbage can. Police find you, put you in jail, then you life over, better just kill youself.’” – Amy Tan, from “The Cliffsnotes Version of My Life” in The Opposite of Fate

“The physical realities of the dingy bus slid away from me. I suddenly stood upon a hill in the center of an unknown country, hearing the sky fill with a new spelling of my name.” – Audre Lorde, from Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

“Mr. Weasley was looking around. He loved everything to do with Muggles. Harry could see him itching to go and examine the television and the video recorder. ‘They run off eckeltricity, do they?’ he said knowledgeably. ‘Ah yes, I can see the plugs. I collect plugs,’ he added to Uncle Vernon. ‘And batteries. Got a very large collection of batteries. My wife thinks I’m mad, but there you are.’” -J.K. Rowling, from Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“If you take a book with you on a journey… an odd thing happens: The book begins collecting your memories. And forever after you have only to open the book to be back where you first read it. It will all come into your mind with the very first words: the sights you saw in that place, what it smelled like, the ice cream you ate while you were reading it.” – Cornelia Funke, from Inkheart

“Although a Centaur Liaison Office exists in the Beast Division of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, no centaur has ever used it. Indeed, ‘being sent to the Centaur Office’ has become an in-joke at the Department and means that the person in question is shortly to be fired.” – Newt Scamander (a.k.a. J.K. Rowling), from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy skips lightly over this tangle of academic abstraction, pausing only to note that the term ‘Future Perfect’ has been abandoned since it was discovered not to be.” – Douglas Adams, from Life, the Universe, and Everything (I opted for a very condensed version of Adams’ phenomenal passage on the problem with time travel. To read the whole wonderful thing on the “real” Goodreads, click here.)

“Bombardment, barrage, curtain fire, mines, gas, tanks, machine guns, hand grenades—words, words, but they hold the horror of the world.” – Erich Maria Remarque, from  All Quiet on the Western Front

“He made three separate formations that led to the same tower of dominoes in the middle. Together, they would watch everything that was so carefully planned collapse, and they would all smile at the beauty of destruction.” – Markus Zusak, from The Book Thief

“‘I do not want it to rain.’ ‘Then you should not have washed the turtle.’” -Joan Abelove, from Go and Come Back

“Nothing could stop this huntress of the diminutive plains. It was time to level the playing field between me and the woman who called my differential equations ‘nonsensical’ in front of fifteen other teenagers. Eventually a message would pop up in the middle of the screen, framed in a neat box: MRS. ROSS HAS DIED OF DYSENTERY. This filled me with glee.” – Sloan Crosley, from “Bring-Your-Machete-to-Work Day” in I Was Told There’d Be Cake

“As long as he and I were together I had in some ways never really left where I started because we carried that place between us like a familiar blanket.” – Michael Dorris, from Sees Behind Trees

“The gong was long gone, but the legend lingered.” – Lemony Snicket, from “Who Could That Be at This Hour?”

“Prestigious. Often an adjective of last resort. It’s in the dictionary, but that doesn’t mean you have to use it.” – William Strunk Jr. and E.B. White, from The Elements of Style

“‘There is no story that is not true,’ said Uchendu. ‘The world has no end, and what is good among one people is an abomination with others.’” – Chinua Achebe, from Things Fall Apart

(If you want to see my profile on the “real” Goodreads, click here. If you want to see what’s happening in My Book Journal, email me your request, including a specific page number and/or year, and I will get back to you within 48 hours.)