3 Useful Things I Learned While Teaching Middle School

I had another teaching dream recently. I was back at my old school. A new teacher (I think his name was Kevin—he looked like a Kevin) asked me if I was new too. I told him no, that I had worked there from the day it opened until a couple of years ago. Then I left, and now I’m back. I said, “And I’ll be regretting it in 5… 4… 3…” (Yes, my dream self actually said this, while demonstrating the countdown on my fingers. The sad truth is that I’m just as dorky in my dreams as in real life.)

For a while, the dream continued down a fairly realistic path. He asked what I’d been doing while I wasn’t teaching. I told him about my writing and then gave him some advice about who to avoid in the hallways. After that, things got dream-weird. In this case, that meant teachers actually lived at school. We slept in sleeping bags in the common area between the main hallways. Coffee was something that had to be stirred like hot chocolate and was consumed lukewarm from tall pint glasses. (You know, dream-weird.)

Soon my brain woke up enough to disregard the sleeping bags, Kevin, and the whole idea of going back to work. Instead, I started trying to think of the most useful things I learned during my teaching career.

After ruling out unlimited patience, the ability to smile while being talked down to by a parent, and a high tolerance for Axe Body Spray, I came up with the following three things, all of which could also be helpful to people in other professions.

1. How to Remove Permanent Marker From a Dry Erase Board

In this video, my lovely assistant and I will demonstrate how to save a dry erase board from a Sharpie attack. Really. It works and it’s unbelievably easy.

2. How to Determine Whether or Not to Eat Food Given to You by a Student

It’s Valentine’s Day. Or your birthday. Or the last day of Teacher Appreciation Week. Little Ralphie walks up to you with a big grin on his face. He says, “This is for you,” and places a slightly melted chocolate chip cookie on your desk. WHAT DO YOU DO? This flow chart will help you figure out which edible gifts are safe and which ones should be discarded while wearing rubber gloves.

Assessing Edible Gifts Flow Chart

(For the record, I did teach a student who gave me bacon. I ate it. It was delicious.)

3. How to Teach Your Brain to Multitask When You’re Bored, Trapped, Going Crazy, or All of the Above

* Autopilot:

Teaching is a repetitive job. When you teach five classes a day, you say the same things over and over and over. By the fourth or fifth time, you can even anticipate the questions that will be asked, the jokes that will be made, and the clarifications that will be required. This is a good time to put your brain on autopilot and get some stuff done. I often chose to plan lessons in my head or make mental lists. However, you must be careful not to zone out completely. Once, when I was simultaneously reading The Outsiders to my class and making a grocery list in my head, one student interrupted me to ask, “Did you just say chicken?” I snapped back to attention and realized that twenty seventh graders were staring at me strangely. I looked down at the page and saw that the word I’d meant to say was cheerleader. Not chicken. Oops.

* Visualization:

When you’re stuck in a boring professional development seminar with no end in sight, I recommend using visualization to transport yourself out of that stuffy conference room and into a much more pleasurable locale, like the beach on a tropical island. Turn the steady drone of the air conditioner into a refreshing sea breeze. Picture the shuffling of papers as the rhythmic sound of waves. Convert the jingle of keys on lanyards and the dings of the PowerPoint presentation into insects and alter any annoying voices into the squawks of birds. Pretend the fluorescent lights are sun rays warming your face. Since actually closing your eyes is a bad idea, stare at the person speaking, but imagine them as a tour guide who only speaks in a language you don’t understand. Feel the stress slip away…

* Survival Mode:

Of course, the absolute worst scenario in which to place a brain is in the head of a teacher “actively monitoring” standardized testing. Nothing compares to that level of mind-numbing boredom and cognitive uselessness. But you have to try something. Otherwise, you spend six hours a day, four days in a row, contemplating the life choices that have brought you to this moment, and that’s not a good idea. For some suggestions on how to survive standardized testing, check out my tips in this post from last year—Brain on Lockdown: Why Standardized Testing Is As Hard On Teachers As It Is On Students. Coincidentally, that post also begins with a teacher stress dream. Apparently they never go away.

 *          *          *

To all my friends still in the classroom… hang in there!
You can do it! You’re in the home stretch! Summer’s just around the corner!
(Call me if you need a drink.)

Artist Date: An Afternoon at the Cemetery

OakwoodCemetery2 In Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, she recommends that artists—painters, writers, musicians, all types—carve out time each week to take themselves on “artist dates.” She says, “Serious art is born from serious play,” and she encourages people to indulge in selfish endeavors, to spend time in creative pursuits that (on the surface) have nothing to do with their current projects, and to experience as much as they can.

This is something I should be good at. Unlike so many people who have to squeeze their writing time in between full-time jobs and families, I am in the very fortunate position to have several hours each day that I can devote to my art and, theoretically, to artist dates. But it’s easier than you’d expect to fill that extra time with chores or perfecting a sentence that might soon be cut anyway or slumping in front of the desk in frustration over something that’s not working. Sadly, despite my gift of time, I’m still capable of wasting a lot of it.

So last Friday, I made a point of taking myself on an artist date.

After spending the morning mastering the “art” of Google sheets (ugh) I left my house with just a book, a journal, my phone, and a promise to myself that I would use the phone only for navigating, picture-taking, and necessary phone calls, and I headed in the general direction of the Oakwood Cemetery in east Austin. I say the “general direction” because terrible traffic diverted my route and I ended up driving through unfamiliar neighborhoods and getting a bit lost along the way. (Once I looked out my window and realized downtown was on the wrong side. !? Somehow I’d managed to turn myself completely around without realizing it.) It’s important to point out though that traffic and detours are not a problem for someone on an artist date. When the plan is to experience new things, then losing yourself is sort of the point.

Here’s what I experienced on the way to the cemetery:

* Ate some fried okra from Church’s Chicken.
* Witnessed a fender bender outside an elementary school.
* Stopped to provide my expert witnessing skills to the victim of the fender bender. (My skills were not needed, but the man was extremely appreciative anyway. I gave him my card just in case something goes weird with the insurance process and he ends up needing a witness. Later, I wrote in my journal: “If this were a movie, he would turn out to be a literary agent who offers to help me get published as a thank you for being so nice. Wait… no one would watch that movie.”)
* Took a random walk through the neighborhood of the fender bender since I was there.
* Saw a man in pajama pants and a t-shirt jumping on a tiny trampoline in his front yard.
* Was offered a ride by a pedicab. Declined.

Eventually, I arrived at my destination. OakwoodCemetery1 Why did I want to spend the afternoon in a cemetery? I like cemeteries, especially old ones, for lots of reasons. I love Halloween and love being spooked and spent my entire childhood wanting to see a ghost. But that’s all stuff that goes with visiting graveyards at night. During the day, cemeteries are peaceful places with a lot of history and a lot of unknown stories. My grandfather was Foreman of the Gardeners at Restland Cemetery in Richardson for many years, and my dad worked there too for a while. I learned to drive there. Cemeteries don’t scare me. (Unless I want them to.) I enjoy walking around them, reading tombstones, noting the different types of inscriptions for different cultures and generations. I think it’s interesting.

Why Oakwood Cemetery specifically? Oakwood is the oldest city-owned cemetery in Austin. The original section and the annex cover about forty acres, and the graves date back to the mid-1850s. There are lots of pecan trees and of course oaks, and narrow alleys with deep tire ruts crisscrossing between the plots. (My car tires are currently caked with cemetery mud.) The tombstones in the original section are mostly the upright kind (unless they’ve fallen over) and there are a few mausoleums of different styles and levels of eeriness. My dad and I went to Oakwood once a couple of years ago to look around, but it started raining on us and we left before we got stuck in the mud. Friday was a beautiful sunny spring day, so I decided to go back. OakwoodCemetery3 An hour alone in the Oakwood Cemetery turned out to be just what I needed. I walked. I sat. I wrote. I felt the sun on my face and arms. I didn’t talk. I took a few pictures, mainly just as records to remember the spots where I jotted down poems or ideas. I felt invigorated. When I left, I had six little poems, or at least beginnings of them, and a clear, awake mind.

This particular artist date isn’t for everybody. To find something that’s right for you, check out this list of 101 Artist Date Ideas from Julia Cameron herself. (I didn’t find this list until after my little excursion, and I was happy to see #95 was already on it.)

If you are one of those artists who does have to squeeze creative time into the crazy juggle of life, you may be thinking you don’t have time for any of these things. But you do. Trading an hour of work on your current project for one of these dates will be worth it, I promise. And if you don’t have an hour, there are still ways to steal a creative moment here and there. Here are three things you can do that don’t take more than two minutes and don’t cost a dime:

* Open a book, preferably one you’ve never read before. Read three random pages from the middle. Find one sentence to write down as an idea or inspiration.
* Sit somewhere in your house where you’ve never sat before— in the hall closet or on the kitchen floor with your back to the fridge or on top of your desk or in your laundry basket. Take note of what the world looks like from there.
* Stand on your front or back porch alone, at night, with your eyes closed. Take ten long, deep breaths. See what happens.

ArtistDate

4 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Go Barefoot in a Cemetery

1. Pointy rocks.
2. Sharp sticker burrs
that have to be pulled
from soft spots in your soles.
3. Fire ants.
4. You never know
what might reach up
and tickle your toes.

The Best Day Ever

Cookies

Yesterday was the best day ever!

I got to…

* choose my own clothes

* ride in the front seat of the car

* put the letters in the mailbox

* punch the elevator button

* push the shopping cart

* hold the dog’s leash

* check out a book from the library

* answer the phone

* eat a cookie before dinner

* pour my own glass of milk

* watch TV after 8 p.m.

* stay up as late as I wanted

When you look at your day through the eyes of a child,
it can suddenly seem pretty amazing.

Smile#ReframeYourDay